Apparently I’m not finished discussing those action figures. While I find the idea of Bible action figures appealing, if the presupposition is that kids will re-enact stories from the Bible, why is Samson wrestling with Goliath on the One2Believe Web site? Notice they’ve both got that Hulk Hogan physique going for them. Yes, Samson fought Philistines, and Big Bad G is a Philistine, but it’s an anachronistic pairing. It’s David with his slingshot who should be going up against the giant. Samson should be paired against Delilah and her props—the ropes, scissors, negligé. Personally, I’d model her after WWF’s Chyna. I think Delilah would make a great brunette, intense, with an air of latent brutishness, a sense that she’s perpetually prepared to pounce, like a sinewy black panther. She’d exude danger and dominance. That’s seems to me the kind of femme fatale/formidable foe that someone like Samson would find irresistible.
Of course, I hear objections already if Chyna/Delilah were to put Hulk/Samson in a headlock—time to haul out those simpering P31 dolls avec cookie recipes and teach Chyna/Delilah a lesson in womanly conduct. (Oh come on, tell me that, like me, you couldn’t resist exploring One2Believe’s online store?) Puh-leeze. If One2Believe’s P31 dolls allude to Proverbs 31, somebody’s gotta go back and re-read their verses. I take exception. The “wife of noble character” is a wife, not a schoolgirl. Sure, she “provides food for her family,” but nowhere does it say she bakes cookies. Baklava, maybe. Might as well dress Barbie up as P31. Hey, now there’s an idea that I could go for, Barbie as women of the Bible. Let’s see, there’s Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Leah, Esther, Mary, Naaman’s wife and anonymous servant girl warrant a doll each, Judge Deborah, Jael with her tent peg, Lois and Eunice (Timothy’s grandma and mom), and the Fembots—no, wait, that last one would be part of the Barbie as Bionic Woman set. I can't believe they're remaking that TV show.
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