threebie or post anni thoughts

In keeping with the theme of our anniversary last week, which was at the forefront of my thoughts, I came up with a list of things that have proven especially influential in our relationship:

1.  separate blankets
2.  GPS
3.  un-surprise gifts

Separate blankets are non-negotiable.  James prefers blankets with some heft to them, and three or four pillows.  Within the last year, I've conceded to a second pillow (because my initial one has become irrevocably flattened), but I prefer a lightweight blanket.  And since I'm married to a cocooner, if we share a blanket, at some point during the night I awake to find myself clutching a small triangular swatch of comforter.  If we stay in a hotel, I'll be left with only a sheet, even under a king-sized duvet.  Forget about trying to wrestle back a fair portion--in the early months of our marriage, I tried that.  Nothing doing.  We're not alone, according to this entry and the comments below it.  

There's just no two ways about it:  GPS is a technological godsend.  Especially on long-distance road trips.  Especially when one spouse's mom disliked navigating, and the other spouse's mom enjoyed "telling everyone where to go."  See, we each expected the other to adopt the roles and responsibilities modelled by our respective parents, which led to a lot of frustration when neither of us conformed to those patterns.  (Thank goodness they warned us about this in premarital counselling!  Thank goodness we recalled it--but not before we'd experienced our share of dissatisfactory driving.)

Un-surprise gifts are gifts that either you shop for together with your spouse, or you buy for yourself with the understanding that it's from your spouse.  So, technically speaking, it is a surprise--but to the giver rather than the recipient.  This approach to gift-giving reduces the anxiety of shopping for a spouse who is virtually impossible to shop for because he (or she) has specialized or eccentric tastes.  It eliminates the need for returns and exchanges, and it easily extends to other family members.  The practice has been extremely popular in my family for years, and while James was initially skeptical, I think he's now convinced of its merits.  Of course, the obvious downside to it is if one half of the couple begins to receive more than his/her fair share of un-surprise gifts.  (A new computer monitor?  A new RC plane?  How is it that I'm suddenly so generous?)  So establishing boundaries and communicating with your significant other are critical.  Un-surprise gifts may work best for special occasions, like Christmases, birthdays, and anniversaries.

Those are the top three things that we've found helpful.  They haven't stopped us from arguing about money, sex, communication, or division of housework--which I understand from this site and this one are the top triggers for spats--but they've helped cut down on frustration.  Now if I could just learn to keep my big mouth shut when I'm in the car, i.e., is that my likeness beside "backseat driver" in the dictionary?

As a footnote, this site details common causes of couples' arguments.  Some of them seem kinda petty put on display like that.